Citing the age-old quest to benefit humanity, or at least a whacky-tobacky inspired (likely) attempt to be more humane, Charlottes Legendary Lobster Pound in Southwest Harbor, Maine, is pumping their lobster's water tanks full of marijuana smoke in an attempt to make being cooked alive a more relaxing and enjoyable experience for them.

This is a true story, even we couldn't make this kind of stuff up if we were trying to be funny, just reporting the facts here.

It may just be my suspicious nature but I can already picture the genesis of this might-have-made-a-good-plot-to-a-summertime-teen-movie story; to wit: the image of a panicking cook at being caught by the boss getting high in the kitchen. Then suddenly in an unlikely spontaneous blink of quick thinking, blamed his getting high on a sense of human empathy for the doomed Homarus americanus he was about to boil. So he was getting the crustaceans stoned before cooking, followed by all the uptight adults in the town suddenly starting to relax and loosen up and perform hilarious hijinks and let the teens dance the way they want to, I just lost count of how many worn out movie plots  I just mixed.

Getty Images - They get the lobsters stoned, then turn them over and pinch their tails. At the very moment the lobster begins to feel so incredibly indescribably super-groovy, he's dropped into the boiling swirl.

Good scenes, but according to the restaurant, this was no spontaneous stunt but has been the product of a well-crafted semi-scientific research period in which they somehow have over time, perfected a lobster stoning technique that limits the amount of cannabis that enters the lobster meat itself. Good for the lobster or good for the diner?

The restaurant is hoping customers will prefer stoned lobster over steamed and boiled in due time.

Charlotte Gill, owner of the eatery possesses a marijuana growing license and did not favor other methods of killing the animals over the traditional but inquisition-like and torturous method of cooking them alive. After careful consideration of other acceptable restaurant business methods of killing prior to cooking including electrocution, which could drive the light bill into the stratosphere and, stabbing through the brain, the latter which was found to be likely highly unappealing to some of the younger high school aged staff who failed dissections in biology and are squeamish at the sight of squishy stuff, so she sought a pleasant way to extinguish lobster life.

I feel bad that when the lobsters come here there is no exit strategy, Ms. Gill told a reporter. Gill was simply looking for the lobster's exit from this world to be as humane and painless as possible, It’s a unique place and you get to do such unique things but at the expense of this little creature. I’ve really been trying to figure out how to make it better. 

The exact methodologies and best practices and techniques for stoning the lobsters were not revealed by Ms. Gill or any kitchen staff but we can presume it involves turning down the lights, putting some Barry White on the turntable, and incense. There always must be incense involved and after all the point is to get the lobster to a place and mood where he doesn't care about how hot the water is getting and he actually enjoys the experience, as no doubt, does Ms. Gill.

Here's a cockeyed guess as to how it goes at the moment of truth for the doomed main course; they get the lobsters stoned, then turn them over and start gently pinching their tails to further relax them. At the very moment, the lobster begins to feel so incredibly indescribably super-groovy, claws pinching wildly at the air all around them, front four hands all waving uncontrollably and, feet kicking at the air he's dropped into the boiling swirl, and preparations begin on the sauce.

It was unreported also as to whether the lobsters are allowed to remove the yellow bands from their claws to more easily pass the pot around. Another gray area is the question of the medicinal or recreational use of the weed. While relaxing prior to ones being cooked alive and being eaten with a nice lemon sauce is a tremendous mental strain and so then clearly would be considered medicinal use by any sane person.  But following all that deeply distressing experience endured by the lobster, dinner and a movie afterward by comparison literally reeks of recreational usage.

Well, I s'pose if getting the lobster stoned prior to cooking doesn't slow down the whole dinner process it's ok, they're not going to hold the movie up because I'm eating food that got stoned before dinner. But if the lobster is going to want to burn one, then chill jamming to some Pink Floyd and maybe have a fresh plankton snack before jumping into that last warm bath then I don't know how long I can wait.

I do, after all, have the munchies.

The original story is here.

One last thought, if the water stoning technique works for lobsters, how long before Cajuns are stoning big pots of boiling crawfish? This could bring a whole new facet of experience to the old Fais Do Do.