Fingertip Robbery Foiled
What's a broke crook supposed to do when it's time to pull an armed robbery? Well if you're in Bonita Beach, Fl., you walk undeterred into the convenience store like you own it and point your finger in the clerks face and say 'stick'em up'.
Did it work? No, and that's why you're reading about it - the clerk basically laughed in his face. The chagrined would-be Jessie James turned and slowly walked away dejected.
Police did not release audio of the encounter but if they had I can only imagine it goes something like this:
Robber: Stick'em Up
Clerk: What? Excuse me? What do mean, is that your finger?
Robber: Yes it is, what does it look like? Now gimme all the cash and a box of Double Bubble, an A&W root beer, and a box of moon pies and hurry it up.
Clerk: Get out of my store! You're not robbing me with your finger what the hell is wrong with you are you crazy or something? Is somebody punkin' me? Is Jody outside? He's my brother in law he's always pulling this kind of thing.
Robber: NO, no, this is no joke... I'm just broke, temporary negative cash flow and all and I'm new at this. I'm upside down on my cars, my house is in neg equity, my boat was repo'd and my wife has all our cards maxed out. Actually, you're my first and I was going to use this money to buy a nice Nine with the serial numbers filed off and move up to bigger stores when I get a little more experience in the armed robbery field. I'm having to bootstrap myself up in this business, you know... it ain't easy to make it out there, for the love of Mike I'm in a rental car out there. Were you scared when I came in?
Clerk: No, I certainly was not and I'm sorry but this is just silly and I'm not giving you any money or gum or moon pies and you need to move along there's a line stacking up behind you. Mrs. Primrose is behind you, her cat is waiting for his cream. If Minky doesn't get his cream he won't sleep well tonight and he'll yowl and pace and keep Mrs. Primrose awake. When Mrs. Primrose doesn't sleep she gets gout in her arches. You don't want to be responsible for Mrs. Primrose's gout attack in her arches, do you? It's very painful you know.
Robber: No, and well I'm sorry too, I'm new at this, my cousin told me he knocks over stores all the time without a gun and just points his finger, I don't understand why it didn't work for me. I guess I was a little nervous, being my first time and all.
Clerk: Your cousin a master criminal is he?
Robber: No he's an architect.
Clerk: Well did your cousin mention to you, that you should conceal your hand in your jacket and use the finger simply to make it look like a gun barrel was in your pocket?
Robber: Oh yeah! I forgot to keep my hand in my pocket! Rookie mistake... my bad, that's all on me. Hey if you don't mind, can I go outside and come back in and we start this robbery all over again? You know, take two?
Clerk: No we're not starting over, but the fellows with the actual guns are here now and they're giving you a ride and something to eat, medical attention and housing for a few months.
Robber: Ok, that really sounds great - my wife already split for her mothers anyway. Thank you. And sorry to everyone for the delay, you all have a nice night.
Mrs. Primrose: Did he say 'you all'!? Damn Yankees come down here and ruin everything, don't they?